You're Gone
by Apesshipper
Summary: Mac deals with Harm's incarceration and Singer's funeral. HAM
1. Brig

You're Gone

          Colonel Sarah MacKenzie awoke with a start.  She'd dreamed that they were taking Harm away in chains forever.  She knew, in her heart of hearts, that as awful as Singer had been, Harm hadn't killed her.  He had been furious, angrier than he'd ever been, even with her, but he didn't kill Singer.  "Thinking about Harm?"  Commander Sturgis Turner asked from her doorway.

          "Always."  She admitted where only he could hear it.

          "I'm about to go over.  Come with me."

          She nodded, knowing that she wouldn't be able to see him alone anyway.  There would be a guard or one of those damned NCIS agents around.  "Thanks."

          "I'll tell the Admiral we're taking our lunch then."  He returned to her, trying not to look worried.  She'd nearly killed herself with work and he considered himself blessed if he could get Mac to eat anything.  It was as if after they took Harm, she stopped caring.  True, she helped Harriet, worrying always about the godchildren she shared with Harm, but when it came to herself, it got pushed back.

*****  
          Commander Harmon Rabb Jr. came into the small room after Sturgis told the guard that they were lawyers.  He looked first at Sturgis and then at Mac, trying to keep from holding her close.  They sat at the table; Harm on one side, Sturgis on the other, and Mac in between.

          "Are you okay?"  Mac asked softly.

          "Considering.  What about you guys?  Bobbi?  Harriet and Bud?"

          "Bobbi and I are both fine.  She's trying to see what she can do to help."  Sturgis told him.

          "And Harriet's doing fine."  Mac smiled at him.  "Bud made her go get a checkup; the baby's perfect.  Admiral's making sure she doesn't work too much.  Little A.J. really misses you."

          "Does he know what's going on?"  He asked, worried.

          "Uncle Harm is on a case."  Mac told him what they'd all conspired to tell the little boy.

          "My cases?"

          "All taken care of."  She reassured him.

          "Yeah, Mac's working them all."  Sturgis said, giving Harm a look.

          Harm frowned.  "Mac, I have to confer with my lawyer."

          "Is that code for leave the room for you two can talk about me behind my back?"

          He smiled at her.  "Exactly."

          She smiled back at him, wishing that she could hug him.  "I'll come back as soon as I can."  She left the room and went to wait for Sturgis.

          "How is she really?"

          "Workaholic, hardly ever eats.  She's been helping Harriet a lot, but when it comes to herself, she doesn't seem to care."

          "You've gotta take care of her, Sturgis."  He pleaded his Academy friend.

          "We all will.  I promise."

          "I'm gonna hold you to it."

          "I'll be back as often as I can."

          "That doesn't matter.  Just take care of her."  It was killing him not to be able to do it himself; he was so used to being the one to help her, to make sure that she was doing everything she was supposed to, and to cheer her on every time she passed a bar, every day she was sober, knowing what a feat it was for her. That was one of his biggest fears; that the stress would get to her and, since he wasn't there for her this time either, that she'd start drinking again.

          Sturgis nodded and promised again as he walked out to Mac.  They waited until the parking lot.  "He was angrier at Singer than at anyone, ever, even me.  He already had a fight with her or something three years ago, when I was still with Mic, and then with the stuff she's pulled with Harriet and Bud, and on top of that, he really thought the baby was Sergei's."

          "He didn't do it."

          "I KNOW THAT!"  Her voice quieted down again.  "I know that.  But I can see where they think he does.  I'm scared."

          "If he's convicted, which he won't be, than we'll appeal.  That doesn't work, we'll appeal again.  We won't stop until he comes home, right?"

          "Right."  She smiled half-heartedly.  "Thanks."  He smiled half-heartedly as well and they got into her car.  "Sturgis?"

          "Yeah?"

          "I keep having a dream that Harm goes to prison…for good.  That he never comes home.  Only I'm not sure if it's a nightmare or vision."

          "Nightmare from the stress."  He told her.  "That's all it is."

          "He wanted to adopt her baby.  It was a little girl, did you know that?  Harmon Rabb Sr. had a granddaughter.  I wonder if they know each other.  I wonder if somehow he's taking care of her, playing with her…"

          "I don't know.  It's nice to think about."  She nodded.  "Listen, Mac, this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I'm going to Singer's funeral."

          "They finished the autopsy?"

          "Yeah.  Bobbi's working and, even if she wasn't, she wouldn't go.  I don't blame her, but I…I hate to think of anyone dying and no one caring."

          She nodded.  "Harriet will probably go too.  She didn't like Singer, but she'll still go."  She looked at him.  "You want me to go with you?"

          "You don't have to."

          "I'll pretend it's for Harm's niece."


	2. Funeral

            Mac stood beside Sturgis as Harriet Sims joined them.  "I can't believe no one's here."  Harriet whispered to Mac.  There was only the three of them and then the Admiral.  "Her mom's not even here."

            "She has a mom?"

            "She did.  Remember that case with the little girl last year when they thought the dad was beating them?"

            "And then they disappeared?  Yeah."  The dad had tried to hurt Harriet in the office and Mac had to restrain him.

            "She said that some moms didn't see the abuse.  I always wondered…"

            "It might explain a few things."  She didn't ever use abuse as an excuse, but it could explain Singer's view on men.

            "I just…I can't believe no one's here.  I just…she didn't have any real friends."

            "It's Singer.  What do you expect?"  

            Harriet looked at her friend.  "Are you okay?"

            "We saw Harm yesterday."

            "How is he?"

            "I don't know.  I couldn't really tell.  About like you'd expect, I guess."  Mac sounded totally depressed and Harriet hugged her gently.  "It was a little girl, did you know that?"

            Harriet shook her head.  "No, I didn't."  She looked at Sturgis.  "Bobbi didn't want to come?"

            "She couldn't.  Washington was too busy."  

            A.J. Chegwidden joined his people, standing on the other side of Mac.  He hadn't liked Singer; he thought she was trouble, always lying, stirring his people up.  She was JAG family though and she had been killed.  Even from the grave, she was still haunting them, destroying their lives, especially Harm's.  He hated the waste of talent: a good lawyer killed and an even better one behind bars for a crime he didn't commit.  He looked over at Mac.  There were dark circles under her eyes, like she hadn't been sleeping, and she probably hadn't.  He didn't think he'd seen her leave the office except for the day before when she and Turner disappeared at lunch and now.  He wondered why she had come.  There had never been any doubt about her mutual dislike for Singer and death had done nothing to soften anyone's feelings.  He wondered how she was, if anyone was watching out for her.  He knew that Harm usually took care of things like that and he knew better than to suggest she do anything different then what she wanted.  It either had to be an order or she wouldn't obey.  It was hard to believe Mac and Harm had been partners for ten years and it was even harder to believe that, just when things began looking good between them, the rug was pulled out from under them again.

            Mac didn't know what she was doing there.  Maybe, deep down in her heart, she felt sorry for Singer.  If Harriet was right, Singer had had a hard life too and she could have used a friend, especially one like Harm.  He'd talked her through so many things in the last seven years: her abusive father, Dalton's death and becoming sober again, her husband's death and the charges afterwards, Brumby…he was her best friend.  She'd seen him through a lot before too, but this was the second time in two years that he'd needed her and she couldn't help him.  The last time he had nearly died because he was trying to get back for the wedding that shouldn't have even been discussed let alone gotten so close to happening.  This time it wasn't her fault but it still hurt.  Another part of the reason she was there was that, if the baby was Sergei's, someone should be there for it.  She wished that things could have been different, especially for the little girl. Harm would have been a good uncle or even a good adoptive father if it came to that.  If Harm were incarcerated, even for a year, not only could they lose Sergei's daughter, but their pact as well.  She hated herself for thinking like that.  Harm hadn't killed anyone.  He would not go to jail.  Still, until court was over, until he was home, she would miss him.

            Sturgis stood next to Mac, wanting to hold her hand, comfort her somehow, let her know that even if Harm was arrested right now, he would get out and, until then, she had plenty of people to take care of her, to care about her.  He remembered the night he'd told Bobbi he was going to the funeral.  She'd called Singer several names and the gist of the conversation had been that Singer had bullied everyone for years and now messed up Harm's life.  He couldn't blame her.  He wasn't crazy about Singer either, much less what she'd done to his friends, and had no idea why he was standing there at the small gravesite.  If there was ever anyone he could hate, it would be Singer, but he couldn't help but feel sorry for her as well.  He couldn't imagine not having his friends, not having Bobbi, not having his dad; it must have been very lonely for her.  He accepted that, for the most part, it was of her own making, but she had to have been very confused, very alone.

            Bud thought she was crazy for going, crazy for caring about Singer.  Maybe she went for the baby, another little girl that had never gotten to live, never gotten to be held by her mother.  She remembered talking to Singer and wondered if she hadn't succeeded, if Singer hadn't kept the baby, if Singer would still be dead.  She wondered who the father was and why he wasn't there.  She knew Harm well enough to know that the baby wasn't his, but he was protecting someone.  She didn't understand who or even why, but had the feeling that Mac did.  Her friend looked upset, tired, and she wished there was more she could do to help.  But was worried about Harm and wanted to work the case; she'd heard him and Jen talking about it the other day.  No one could believe that Harm had been arrested, that they actually thought Harm would hurt a woman.  He was one of the kindest, most gentle men she ever knew and she couldn't anticipate a reason why that would ever change.  It didn't seem possible, but yet it was happening.

            The small service ended and they all disbanded, going their separate ways.  Harriet back to her son and husband, the Admiral back to his regular life, and Mac and Sturgis back to Harm before going home, her to an empty apartment, him to his dad.


	3. To Say I Love You

Sturgis looked up to see Mac framed in his doorway. "Hey, I've gotta get out of here. Can you cover?"  
He nodded. The trial had been hell on everyone. Off work, Jen and Bud had both confessed their testimony to Harriet, Mac, and himself. He had to admit that none of it had looked very good for Harm, but Mac had taken Jen's testimony hard. He felt bad himself: knowing that he wasn't allowed to help Harm and knowing that he couldn't help Mac unless he could help Harm. "Of course, go ahead."  
She half-smiled. "Thanks." He watched her walk away and tried to concentrate on his work, but his mind kept going back to his friends and how he could or couldn't help them.  
Mac left the JAG building and got into her car. She had no idea where she was going or what she was going to do there, but she had to get things settled in her mind. It was killing her not to be able to take care of Harm. That was her job, not just because of the Admiral making them partners, but because she loved him. She'd loved him for years, since they first met. She'd loved him in spite of others they were dating, cases they were on, things that were going haywire in their lives. She'd loved him in America, Ireland, Russia, Iran, Australia, and Afghanistan. She couldn't lose him now. It had gotten to the point that she couldn't do anything without him, even focus. She hadn't slept since they'd arrested him, hadn't eaten much, and she knew that was bad. It was bad getting this attached to a man, even him, because eventually, they all left, in one way or another. She drove past the Wall, remembered his father, and, for the first time, hated the whole mess because it had ended up taking him away from her, like she'd always known it would. She remembered it all, every second of their partnership. Why had this happened now? They were just starting to go out, like a real couple, and now she was going to lose him. Maybe she was wrong: maybe she wasn't good enough at saying goodbye, at least not to him. Harm seemed to be the punishment for everything she'd done wrong in her life, or more appropriately, loving him so much with everything getting between them being together was the punishment. She found herself outside the bar where she'd met Dalton. She couldn't get out of the car, but she couldn't drive away either.  
Harm got out of the elevator, looking around. His lawyer had told him to just go home, get some rest, but there was a thirty minutes left in the workday and he had a few people he wanted to see. Well, only one that couldn't wait. After he saw her again, he would feel better, like it all was over and he was free. Harriet grinned at him and he could tell that if they weren't in the office, she would have hugged him. "Sir!"  
"Harriet." He smiled back. He had missed her and Bud and especially Little A.J.  
"Are you okay, sir? I mean, when did you get out?" A crowd was beginning to form and Jen moved close to Bud and Harriet. The admiral even came out of his office, a tiny smile beginning to form on his worried face.  
"About thirty minutes ago."  
"They found who killed her?"  
Harm nodded. "The suspect was questioned and made a full confession." It was killing him not to tell who the killer was; he never would have suspected Lindsey of anything remotely close to murder, much less that Lindsey hated him enough to frame him for the crime.  
"All right, everybody. I'm not running a gossip column in some newspaper here. Back to work." The admiral pretended to be gruff, but, before he turned, Harm caught the slightest glimpse of a grin.  
"Sir, Harriet, A.J., and I would love it if you came over for dinner." Bud said at the urging of his wife.  
Harm smiled. "Thanks, Bud. Rain check?"  
"Absolutely." Bud and Harriet went back to his duty as well, but Jen was still standing there. "Jen?"  
"I'm sorry about what I said, sir." Jen said quietly.  
"You told the truth. That's always the best thing to do in these situations. I should have done that myself."  
Jen nodded, looking back to her mischievous self again. "I'm glad you're okay, sir."  
He smiled again. "Thanks," he replied, already on his way to Mac's office.  
"She's not here." Harm turned when he heard Sturgis's voice behind him.  
"Where'd she go?" Harm had a bad feeling something was wrong. She was supposed to be waiting for him when he got out. He'd always pictured that he would walk in and she'd be in her chair, working or maybe, if she had one of those visions, she would be waiting there for him to walk back into her life. For her not to be there was not part of the plan.  
"I don't know. She said she had to leave and I said I'd cover for her." Harm frowned. Mac leaving was not part of his plan. She was supposed to be here, waiting for him. "Are you all right?" Harm didn't answer, just turned around and briskly walked out. *****  
  
Mac stretched out on her couch, underneath a throw, ready for another unending night of little, if any, sleep. She had the beginnings of a code red headache, almost a migraine, but she had the radio on for background noise, the station she and Harm always listened to together. The knob on her door turned and she reached for her gun, lying on the table nearby. She was about ready to shoot when the door opened.  
"Harm?"  
"Great. I survive Loren and Lindsey, get outta jail, and my partner nearly kills me." He teased.  
"Harm!" She dropped her gun and jumped off the couch, her headache already going away.  
"Hey, ninja girl." He hugged her tightly. "I went to JAG and you weren't there, got worried. Are you okay?" She paused for a few minutes. She'd had a hellish two weeks: everything went wrong that could. Yet she was okay and now so was he. She didn't respond, just nodded as they hugged each other.  
  
Well, I know it's kinda late, I hope I didn't wake you, but what I've gotta say can't wait. I know you'd understand, cause every time I try to tell you, the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you in a song. Yeah, I know it's kinda strange, every time I'm near you, I just run out of things to say. I know you'd understand cause every time I try to tell you the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you in a song. Cause every time the time was right all the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you in a song. Yeah, I know it's kinda late, I hope I didn't wake you. but there's something that I just gotta say. I know you'd understand every time I try to tell you the words just came out wrong, so I'll have to say I love you in a song.  
  
The end  
  
(well, at least of this fic) 


End file.
